Welcome to the AA Beginners Group Step 9 '...as we cleaned up the past...' Sunday 7:00 AM EST to 10:00 AM Step 9 • Repair the Damage Done ...a remorseful mumbling I'm sorry won't fill the bill at all. Zoom ID: 87577128870 Password: alcoholic I am pasting this Assembly Agenda http://www.aabeginners.com/grouper/as.html into the chat box right now. My name is __________. My last drink was on ____________. Opening Prayer God, Please help me watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up in me, help me to immediately ask you to remove them from me and help me discuss these feelings with someone. Guide me to make amends to anyone I have harmed quickly. Amen. Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. AA 1st Ed p.88, 3rd-4th Ed p.76 Now we need more action, without which we find that Faith without works is dead. Lets look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. (See also: p. 67, 69, 70) Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. RIGHT NOW, fill in your third column together with everyone, one line at a time. We get ideas from God and each other, or just use ONE of the words listed. Pick ONE or more that makes sense to you. DEFECTS OF CHARACTER Whom did I hurt? Spiritual Principles EXACT OPPOSITE of the DEFECT PICK ONE that makes sense or is sensible to you. WRITE IT DOWN. This is how you will make amends to those you hurt. over-indulge (self-indulgence) name of person hurt altrusim p.xxvi, abstinence p.xxviii, self-sacrifice p.61, enjoy life p.132, enjoy finer intimacy p.134 (Added by participants: discipline, restraint, asceticism, removal, giving, unshelfishness, selflessness) self-pity name of person hurt sympathy p.73, pity p.67, amends p.86 (Added by participants: resilience, compassion, support, helpfulness) excuses (self-justification) name of person hurt responsibility p.83, admit p.81 (Added by participants: no excuses, fairness, empathy, understanding, justice, repentance, humility) egotism (self-importance) name of person hurt considerate p.61, thoughtful p.131, modest p.61, humility p.73 (Added by participants: unassuming) remorse (self-condemnation) name of person hurt release p.128, live and let live p.118 (Added by participants: mercy, conviction, positivity, look forward not backward, self-valuation) restless irritable discontent (impatience) name of person hurt patience p.67, calm p.78, peace p.75 false pride name of person hurt humility p.73, modest p.61, humble p.63, tolerance p.63 (Added by participants: simplicity) neglect (laziness) name of person hurt action p.72, activity p.89, responsibility p.97 delay (procrastination) name of person hurt prompt p.64, waste no time p.75, at proper time p.102 (Added by participants: action now, sense of urgency, proactive) criticism name of person hurt commend p.35, praise p.127 (Added by participants: compliment, positive quality focus, say something good) insincerity name of person hurt sincerity p.77, earnest p.70, genuine p.160, willingness p.67 (Added by participants: be real, straightforwardness) dishonesty (lying stealing cheating) My Employer honesty p.73, generosity p.61, truth p.73, frank p.78, thorough p.70 (Added by participants: giving back, fairness) justification (rationalization) name of person hurt reality p.xxiv, actual p.72, factual p.72 (Added by participants: owning up, truth, responsibilty) indecision/worry name of person hurt ask God for inspiration intuitive thoughts or a decision p.86, serenity p.68 (Added by participants: hope, firm or better decisions) conceit name of person hurt grounded p.63, humble p.73, humility p.73, equal p.51 (Added by participants: not about you) carelessness name of person hurt careful p.86, attention p.68, painstaking p.683 intolerance name of person hurt tolerance p.67, kindness p.67 good will p.70 understanding p.162 love p.127 (Added by participants: allowance, compassion) sarcasm name of person hurt kindness p.67, friendly p.17 (Added by participants: respect, maturity) resentment (anger) Mr Brown tolerance p.67, pity p.67, patience p.67, helpful p.67, forgiveness p.70, (pray) God, save me from being angry, Thy will be done. p.67, good will p.70 (Added by participants: peace, let it go, claim your joy, calm, purity, forgiveness) envy name of person hurt admiration p.123, respect p.43, gratitude p.53, thankful p,75, approval p.151, humility p.73 (Added by participants: generosity, contentment, be satisfied, learn & grow) jealousy name of person hurt trust p.68, confidence p.89, respect p.89 (Added by participants: admiration, give grace, bless, practice being satisfied, secure, be happy for others) selfishness (greed) name of person hurt generosity p.61, giving p.98, unselfish p.93, considerate p.93 (Added by participants: volunteer) lust name of person hurt sane & sound ideal for future sex life p.69, in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter p.70, help others p.70, love p.83 (Added by participants: shift desire to God, purity, marriage, commitment, chaste, decency, resist temptation, restraint, truthful) hate Mrs. Jones love p.83, care p.35, affection p.35, tolerance p.67, sympathy p.73 (Added by participants: empathy, concern, positive action) retaliate (revenge) name of person hurt forgiveness p.70, mercy p.70, reconcile p.70, (Added by participants: forgive 70 x 7, let it go) suspicion My Wife build trust p.80, faith p.68, confidence p.75,fact finding fact facing p.64, behavior convinces more than words p.83 (Added by participants: mind my own business, quit looking, don't judge) fear name of person hurt courage p.68, faithp.68, We asked God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. p.68, (Added by participants: hope, perfect love, confidence) All the people we hurt, we now make amends with these spiritual principles listed in our third column. No need to apologize. Just treat them differently. They deserve better from us. 9th Step Homework AA 1st Ed p.88, 3rd-4th Ed p.76 Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, (Prayer) we ask until it comes. Probably there are still some misgivings. As we look over the list of business acquaintances and friends we have hurt, we may feel diffident about going to some of them on a spiritual basis. Let us be reassured. To some people we need not, and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach. We might prejudice them. At the moment we are try ing to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maxi mum service to God and the people about us. It is seldom wise to approach an individual, who still smarts from our injustice to him, and announce that we have gone religious. In the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. Why lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious bores? We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial mes sage. But our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong. He is going to be more interested in a demonstration of good will than in our talk of spiritual discoveries. We dont use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God. When it will serve any good pur pose, we are willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. The question of how to ap proach the man we hated will arise. It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him and, though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about admitting our faults. Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not dis cussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result. In nine cases out of ten the unexpected happens. Sometimes the man we are calling upon admits his own fault, so feuds of years standing melt away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress. Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstration, done our part. It’s water over the dam. Most alcoholics owe money. We do not dodge our creditors. Telling them what we are trying to do, we make no bones about our drinking; they usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them. Perhaps we have committed a criminal offense which might land us in jail if it were known to the au thorities. We may be short in our accounts and unable to make good. We have already admitted this in con fidence to another person, but we are sure we would be imprisoned or lose our job if it were known. Maybe its only a petty offense such as padding the expense account. Most of us have done that sort of thing. Maybe we are divorced, and have remarried but havent kept up the alimony to number one. She is indignant about it, and has a warrant out for our ar rest. Thats a common form of trouble too. Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guid ing. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything. Usually, however, other people are involved. There fore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit. A man we know had remarried. Be cause of resentment and drinking, he had not paid ali mony to his first wife. She was furious. She went to court and got an order for his arrest. He had com menced our way of life, had secured a position, and was getting his head above water. It would have been impressive heroics if he had walked up to the Judge and said, Here I am. We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary, but if he were in jail he could provide noth ing for either family. We suggested he write his first wife admitting his faults and asking forgiveness. He did, and also sent a small amount of money. He told her what he would try to do in the future. He said he was perfectly willing to go to jail if she insisted. Of course she did not, and the whole situation has long since been adjusted. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent. If we have ob tained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink. This brings to mind a story about one of our friends. While drinking, he accepted a sum of money from a bitterly-hated business rival, giving him no receipt for it. He subsequently denied having received the money and used the incident as a basis for discrediting the man. He thus used his own wrong-doing as a means of destroying the reputation of another. In fact, his rival was ruined. He felt that he had done a wrong he could not pos sibly make right. If he opened that old affair, he was afraid it would destroy the reputation of his partner, disgrace his family and take away his means of liveli hood. What right had he to involve those dependent upon him? How could he possibly make a public statement exonerating his rival? After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in Gods hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow. He attended church for the first time in many years. After the sermon, he quietly got up and made an explanation. His action met wide spread approval, and today he is one of the most trusted citizens of his town. This all happened years ago. The chances are that we have domestic troubles. Perhaps we are mixed up with women in a fashion we wouldnt care to have advertised. We doubt if, in this respect, alcoholics are fundamentally much worse than other people. But drinking does complicate sex rela tions in the home. After a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else? The husband begins to feel lonely, sorry for himself. He commences to look around in the night clubs, or their equivalent, for something besides liquor. Perhaps he is having a secret and exciting affair with the girl who under stands. In fairness we must say that she may under stand, but what are we going to do about a thing like that? A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him. Whatever the situation, we usually have to do some thing about it. If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think. If she knows in a general way that we have been wild, should we tell her in detail? Undoubtedly we should admit our fault. She may insist on knowing all the particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is. We feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person. We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated. More than that we cannot do; we have no right to go further. Though there may be justifiable exceptions, and though we wish to lay down no rule of any sort, we have often found this the best course to take. Our design for living is not a one-way street. It is as good for the wife as for the husband. If we can forget, so can she. It is better, however, that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom she can vent jealousy. Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let by-gones be by-gones. Each might pray about it, having the other ones happiness uppermost in mind. Keep it always in sight that we are dealing with that most terrible human emotion, jealousy. Good general ship may decide that the problem be attacked on the flank rather than risk a face-to-face combat. If we have no such complication, there is plenty we should do at home. Sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will be no home if he doesnt. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Passing all understand ing is the patience mothers and wives have had with alcoholics. Had this not been so, many of us would have no homes today, would perhaps be dead. The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, Dont see anything the matter here, Ma. Aint it grand the wind stopped blowin? Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry wont fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in medita tion that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. AA 1st Ed p.95-96, 3rd-4th Ed p.83-84 The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone. There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen - we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone. sensible - we just made sense on how to make amends with spiritual principles tactful - delicate and sensitive in dealing with others considerate - careful not to hurt them humble - respectful and meek without being servile - we don't become their servant without being scraping - we don't argue or retaliate or point out their flaws If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.